I procrastinate sometimes. I put things off and miss out on opportunities as a result. A prime example would be this blog. If I stopped faffing so much and seized ideas and thoughts as they came, I would have a feeling of consistent accomplishment from being here and expressing myself. Of course it matters if people read my ideas but what matters most is the writing. All said and done, this is what gives me great comfort and satisfaction. As I get older, approval has gone way down on my list of wants.
Something is happening to me. Call it an awakening, maybe you could even say it is a sense of wisdom and added confidence in what I stand for, in the legacy I wish to leave behind and in how I wish to affect the people around me. I have always been someone who could influence others and I really think that it isn’t because I am smarter than others or that I am clever. It is more because of the fact that I listen and I care for people because for me, the way you treat others is the way you wish the universe to treat you. It will adhere to the message that you send out there. I send love and I receive love. I often have to remind myself of this mission. When I find myself feeling angry or irritated when I am out and about in the city, always for real reasons but not necessarily ones that are worth the fretting, I wish to question these negative feelings. Make a stand for myself and be a good person. One step at a time. How does the saying go? “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, you just take a step at a time” Whatever it is, I know the staircase will lead somewhere and if it doesn’t get to where I expected it to, then I’ll change the route. Today I make the promise to myself that I will no longer procrastinate with my writing and building of this blog. It helps me sort my thoughts out and gives new positive feelings. Exactly what I need more of in this fast city with so many people lost and wandering. Step number one.
I am on the train headed back to the city after a weekend visit with my uncle who is terminally ill. You wouldn’t know it if you sat with him. He is pale and looks worse for wear but if you didn’t know him and judging from his behaviour alone, you wouldn’t know this was a man who may not make it through to Christmas. I always have great conversations with him, often me doing most of the listening which has never really bothered me because he is an interesting man with lots of opinions and ideas. He never use to tell me s often that he loved me but now he tells me every time. He hugs me with meaning. The idea that the conversations and stories we shared last night and today may be the last ones I will ever have with him makes me sad but also, urgent. Let me learn that life is now and that living it and acting on it on a daily basis is one of the best tools I will ever master.