When I first met him, he was a charming man, all smiles and even though we could not speak the same language, there was a connection. We drank and laughed till the day became night. I told his son that I had fallen in love with his father and that he was amazing. Little did I know that later in our life together, he would be the source of much pain and anguish. His suspicion and perceptions would be the thing that sparked his mouth off to discuss his outspoken thoughts and judgements with people that we knew. Apparently I wanted something from his precious son. That his son was making yet another one of his mistakes in life. These people that his father would engage with would listen patiently, slightly embarrassed and he would enjoy the shock and discomfort he would trigger in the atmosphere around him. Stating loudly that he was outspoken and when he said something, he spared no one. He, however, could not be on the receiving end of straight forwardness because he was almost as knowing as God himself. He knew it all and the things that he had gone through in his life, no one would would understand or had ever undergone themselves.
Now, almost 15 years later, he is in my house and he is annoyed with me because finally, we clashed and I gave him a piece of my mind. Told him off for speaking to me in the way that he did and stated clearly that I thought it was in bad taste and that I did not like it. I took it personally when he stated that I was not thinking of his son who was tired from the lack of sleep the night before. All I wanted was to walk to the pharmacy and get some painkillers for my girl who was menstruating and wouldn’t be able to sleep because she was in pain. I also wanted to go and get a couple of bottles of wine and cook the favourite Mexican dish they liked so much. After all, we were away all together and we were having a lovely lunch, laughing and talking. The thing that irritated me the most was that he used that as an excuse but the truth is, he was the one who wanted to go home as he had eaten and had a drink and wasn’t much for walking but was using his son’s tiredness as an excuse. He was teasing me constantly because he had fallen over earlier trying to cross a small fence and of course, was showing off. He didn’t hurt himself so in hindsight, it was funny and his wife was laughing till she cried as we teased each other. He of course said that I had planned the whole thing. It had nothing to do with his bravado or ego. Never.
Tomorrow he leaves along with my darling girl and my mother in law. I will be going to work early and there is no way in hell that I will make it easy on him by allowing a goodbye seeing as he completely ignored me for the whole day after confronting him and in my own home. Forget that. This is the choice he made even though I was honest and maybe not entirely right for taking it all to my head the night before and walking off but it was that or throttling him from across the table with my bare hands. Everyone has a threshold and Zeus knows, that this man has pushed me beyond mine. I am amazed that it has taken this long for me to snap with all his condescending crap. He isn’t a very wise man even with all that experience, age and mistakes he has made to learn from.
I procrastinate sometimes. I put things off and miss out on opportunities as a result. A prime example would be this blog. If I stopped faffing so much and seized ideas and thoughts as they came, I would have a feeling of consistent accomplishment from being here and expressing myself. Of course it matters if people read my ideas but what matters most is the writing. All said and done, this is what gives me great comfort and satisfaction. As I get older, approval has gone way down on my list of wants.
Something is happening to me. Call it an awakening, maybe you could even say it is a sense of wisdom and added confidence in what I stand for, in the legacy I wish to leave behind and in how I wish to affect the people around me. I have always been someone who could influence others and I really think that it isn’t because I am smarter than others or that I am clever. It is more because of the fact that I listen and I care for people because for me, the way you treat others is the way you wish the universe to treat you. It will adhere to the message that you send out there. I send love and I receive love. I often have to remind myself of this mission. When I find myself feeling angry or irritated when I am out and about in the city, always for real reasons but not necessarily ones that are worth the fretting, I wish to question these negative feelings. Make a stand for myself and be a good person. One step at a time. How does the saying go? “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, you just take a step at a time” Whatever it is, I know the staircase will lead somewhere and if it doesn’t get to where I expected it to, then I’ll change the route. Today I make the promise to myself that I will no longer procrastinate with my writing and building of this blog. It helps me sort my thoughts out and gives new positive feelings. Exactly what I need more of in this fast city with so many people lost and wandering. Step number one.
I am on the train headed back to the city after a weekend visit with my uncle who is terminally ill. You wouldn’t know it if you sat with him. He is pale and looks worse for wear but if you didn’t know him and judging from his behaviour alone, you wouldn’t know this was a man who may not make it through to Christmas. I always have great conversations with him, often me doing most of the listening which has never really bothered me because he is an interesting man with lots of opinions and ideas. He never use to tell me s often that he loved me but now he tells me every time. He hugs me with meaning. The idea that the conversations and stories we shared last night and today may be the last ones I will ever have with him makes me sad but also, urgent. Let me learn that life is now and that living it and acting on it on a daily basis is one of the best tools I will ever master.
There was once a magical land deep in a woodland forest and there lived three little birds who were siblings. Everyday they had to make a journey from the comfort of their home, across the raging river in order to get to school. All three siblings loved school because there were inquisitive little birds and for them, it was a wonder filled fountain of knowledge. However, other than that, they were like chalk and cheese. One disliked the water so he flew high up on the right of the river amongst the giant tree tops and let the silky leaves tickle his feathers. The other was as quick as a flash and she loved the crystal water so she flew low and let herself brush against it intermittently. The third sibling always kept to the middle. She could see her brother and sister laughing and playing like lions, making their journey their playground but she was too afraid to join either of them.
Every morning before their journey, the sibling who would always take the middle route was apprehensive in comparison to her brother and sister who would were bouncing around like ping pong balls, excitedly. As they started out into the big blue horizon with clouds made of cotton candy, everything was as it always was until suddenly they heard a loud earth shattering sound. Immediately, they came together in the middle and continued flying together, huddled. It was only when they came around to the corner that they saw the Goliath in front of them. A huge boat.
Her brother and sister screamed out at her to fly their way as they parted, her sister to the left and her brother to the right. She still in the middle. She knew she had to get out of the way of the cold steel moving towards her. She couldn’t fly high in the middle above her. There were other creatures that lurked there.
Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment and darted to the right, like a warrior. Her heart beating like a drum. In the next instant, euphoria came over her. Her brother chirping with enthusiasm. She asked herself as she danced with the tall trees and their soft silky leaves, how she took that same mundane route staying in the middle all those years? This was electric!
From that day onwards, every time the siblings made their journey, because of that one choice that their sister made, they were inspired to break free and they started flying together. Sometimes, on the right, sometimes on the left and other times in the middle.
I took a walk today and visited some of the blogs that I follow. Many inspired me, just to see how much they have grown and developed. Reading and catching up was fun. I was surprised however, to find that some of my favourite blogs have not posted since December last year. I don’t know why I was so surprised because I myself have been busy with life and not bothered with my blog for a while. I know how I got caught up and I know how my thoughts were often with this blog even if I didn’t act on it. I can only hope that they will return and I will get to read more about their adventures and reconnect. Somehow, it matters to me that they do. I liken it to seeing an old friend after a while of not being in touch. I look forward to it.
Next week, I start a new job. Something I sought out for myself because I wasn’t happy where I was after almost two years. It was crushing at first because I thought of my current company as family and would have happily stayed with them for the rest of my working career but then when the going gets tough, I have always found that true colours in people and the environment around me shine bright and its up to me to see the signs for what they are. I fought and resisted these hints from the universe for a long while because I so wanted it to work but I was only fooling myself.
What you resists, persists.
I know it but yet many a time, I find myself resisting. Some times I catch it faster than others and I have the courage to face it and move towards another direction but other times, I keep up the fight and hit against brick walls, coming out with bruises and cuts. The good thing is, even if I am no Wolverine, eventually they heal and I get wiser and stronger and when I am on the other side, I always ask myself “What were you thinking?” It’s always easier in hindsight isn’t it? After all, I then had all the information and evidence I needed to see clearer and be smarter. I am making a mental note right now to remember this next time my 11-year-old daughter tells me that she needs a phone and that I just don’t understand. I must try to be less condescending and relate to her more. Perhaps, through listening, I will get through to her that life will go on and that it may be that we don’t get her entirely but that there are more principled and better ways to get what she wants.
It has been a longer time than my last disappearance and trust me, there were tons of posts that I made in the imprint of my mind. I have a few random notes here and there when inspiration hit and I was busy doing other things. Still, I am here because as much as life and the rat race has taken over along with all its pressures and predicaments – my ethereal self has been here, posting. In fact, it was up to her, there would be a post at least every night before bed because even though I had a fit about two years ago and decided to destroy all my diaries, ones that I kept from the age of ten, I do consider this blog a catharsis and process so pertinent to my journey. So the question arises then, “Why after neglecting it for so long…why now, have I suddenly returned?”
Funnily enough, it wasn’t a profound moment or deep and meaningful book. It was Jane the Virgin. She inspired me. Not the plot or simple and funny telenovela storyline but more the visual of her in front of her unbranded computer tapping away and creating her romance novels and thesis or essays. Somehow that started the ball rolling. I suppose it helped that I did a binge watch and finished two seasons in four days. The image was drilled into me. That’s 44 episodes by the way! Granted, they were approximately 40 minutes each but that in total is 1760 minutes in total. That’s about 29.3333333 hours. That’s more than a whole day of watching episodes. Yes, I have just come back from holiday and I have had a few days to myself and instead of doing something life changing and fruitful – I decided to take on Jane the Virgin. I thought to myself, if I could do that and watch a television character and a fellow writer, with all of what she had going on in her life, what wth being an artifically inseminated virgin, constantly dealing with drama, crime lords, sabotage, romance and whilst waitressing, studying and being a mother as well – I figured that I could take a little time out of my life to do what I love doing. I owe it to myself. After all, I spent more than 24 hours doing jack all.
The thing is, as much as I make fun of it, jokes aside…I really believe that everything happens for a reason and the combination of Jane and Oscar brought me back here. Oscar who? My chiropractor. At least he just became my chiropractor yesterday. It was my first session ever and my God! In a matter of a few minutes and after a little spine and neck manipulation (at least that’s what I call it) – my posture went from zero to hero. He pushed and cracked away and the tension that I have felt in my neck and shoulders for years, just lifted off me like he was some magical healer. He also asked me questions about my life and thoughts as he did his thing. He noticed things that specialist doctors and medical doctors have never asked me. He got me thinking about how my mind and stress have created physical reactions in my body and health. I am actually looking forward to my next session in three weeks. A chiropractor beats a dentist anytime. They rock! So does quirky Jane, that gorgeous baby of hers named Matteo and her crazy nutty familia.
I shouldn’t have left you. That’s my attempt at quoting Aaliyah, a beautiful woman who died well before her time. I don’t know why but the tune came into my head when I thought of the time that I’ve been away and whimsical me thought, why not?
Firstly, I must tell you that I’ve missed you and not a day has gone by without thinking of this community. Every sight, sound, interaction or inspiration coming at me from the world around me brings me back to my writing and wanting to share it with you. I’ve been starving myself of your posts and thoughts too which is even worse because they were my eyes and links to other worlds and experiences at a time when I wasn’t able to get out as much due to other commitments.
I’m afraid that I have now joined the rat race and after finishing a project at the end of May, I started a new job and it’s taken me to the land of commuting, rush hour and general drone like behaviour. Whilst it gives me lots of material for writing, finding the time is another story. I’ve been adamant about doing it over my computer, the “old fashion” way and that time just hasn’t happened so today, I told myself that I’m going to give the smartphone a try. That’s why they’re smart phones right!? I use them for all kinds of other things so why not for this? That way I can squeeze in a few posts on my commute or during my wait for the next available train. There is just so much food for thought on a daily basis, I feel like I’m losing out because I am not expressing it and sending it out there. I see my blog as a chakra point and not using it to its fullest is like cutting the energy flow from that chakra point and causing some major upset in my well being. I don’t really have to ask because I know from reading about you and your experiences that its very much like that for many of you too.
Thank you for sticking around. I shan’t go away for long periods of time anymore.